Portraits from the Red Diary

पेपर बैग

एक था पेपर बैग
बड़ा, मज़बूत, टिकाऊ

बड़ा, मज़बूत, टिकाऊ
चमकी वाला
मन को रिझाने वाला

मन को रिझाने वाला
तन जाता था
वज़न बढ़ जाने पर

तन जाता था
मगर इंकार नहीं करता था
टूट नहीं जाता था

टूट ता नहीं था
एक गुलाबी फीता था उसमें
और एक हरा

एक गुलाबी, एक हरा, चमकी वाला
दोनों फीते मजबूती से लगे थे
बैग जब बना था
तब से उसमें जुड़े थे

तब से उसमें जुड़े थे दोनों
सिर्फ एक फीता पकड़ने पर बैग नहीं उठ पाता था

वैसे उठ तो जाता था
सामान गिरा देता था

सामन गिरा देता था
इसलिए दोनों फीते साथ में पकड़ने होते थे

दोनों फीते पकड़ने पड़ते थे
साथ मैं पकड़ने पड़ते थे

एक था पेपर बैग
बड़ा, मज़बूत, टिकाऊ
चमकी वाला
गुलाबी-हरा फीतेदार
पेपर बैग

Naya Saal Hoga Kuchh Behtar

Is kavita ka pehla hissa maine March 2008 ki main, Lahore main likha tha. Kavita khatm nahin huyi thi. Mumbai wapas aayi. Saal khatm hote-hote India-Pakistan ke beech kuchh-kuchh behtar ho rahe rishte phir gadbada gaye. 29 December 2008 ko is kavita ka doosra hissa likha gaya.

08.03.08

Naya saal hoga kuchh behtar

Socha tha hum sab ne

Dar, udaasi ko chhod aaye hain

Socha tha hum sab ne

Bin mauke koi shahid na hoga

Maut aam baat na hogi

Socha tha hum sab ne

Ghoomenge befikr Liberty

Tootenge nahin darvaaze, khidkiyan aur dil

hostel nahin banega qaidkhaana

Socha tha hum sab ne

"Dar ki koi baat nahin hai, main theek hoon!"

Aaye din yeh sandesh na denge

Socha tha hum sab ne

Dar lekar na ghar jaayenge

Socha tha hum sab ne

29.12.08

Ghar aa gaye us mulk se hum

Pakistan jise naam mila

Hindustan ki sar-zameen par bhi

Phoonkte -phoonkte paunv rakha

Alag mausam aur naya saal tha

Yahan bhi lekin wahi haal tha

Wahi khwahishein phir se jaagi

Kyunki phir dil darwaaze toote

Dar phailaa hai har hisse main

Naya saal kuchh aisa beeta

29.12.09

Ghar aa gaye us mulk se hum

Pakistan jise naam mila

Ek din use bhi ghar bolenge

Socha tha hum sab ne

Aasaan wahan jaana hoga

Mazzedaar kisi ko wahan se bulana hoga

Hum bhi keh sakenge,

"Hamaare Lahore main aisa hota hai

Hamaare Karachi main waisa hota hai"

Naya saal bhi khatm hua hai

Achhe bure kayi kisse lekar

Takreer karne waalon se aao poochhein

"Mann ka kolahal kya kam tha

yudhhon ki jo shuruat karoge?"

Invitation for my Exhibition

Mama Chimi

Pink Panther
Picked up two synthetic dyed fur balls
Cute
Cage after cage
Bars to a shoe box
Mother to be
Aunties and all
Shower of love
Will barred love help them survive?
Survival tips from baaji
All measures taken
Heaters lit exclusively for them
“I will make them a vegetarian”
Bhutanese exclusion
World of the mother
To hell with the rest of the world

Silent wishes of death
Didn’t hope they will come true
Thanks to shirts, cotton and all
Will it help?
2, 3, 4
3 days of love
One night of death
Sudden
Planned
Smoking before children
What caused the end?
Dye, heat, cold or just too much love

Reason for suffocation
Cover of food
Stiff bodies
Stirred up blood
Heartache
Wet mattress
Unwanted
Non-existent
Get the friend back
Mother engrossed in television
Condolence till its dark
Is it happiness?
Absence of empathy

“What is the one trait you would like to pass on to your son?”
“Empathy” said the graceful mother at the beauty pageant
Beauty
Lies in the eyes of the beholder
Or so they say
What eyes does one need
To realize the beauty of the lot around us
The dark, the ugly, the dull, the unenlightened
The unintelligent, the disproportionate
The missing limb

Beauty beats love
Beauty reigns
Mother of all love
What does one miss?
Void
Space ion the heart
Air bubbles
Too many mamas
Pink and yellow love
Upbringing tips
Warning of death
Beauty conquers all
Safe from the world
Safe in death
Take care

BUZZZ

Please put a full stop
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I have a headache
No wonder people are sleeping
I love her confidence facing shame
Hodgepodge

The BUZZ goes down my spine
It is hurting my spinal cord
Spreads over my shoulders
Like anesthesia before the operation

STOP or I’ll go mad
If I stand I will fall
The BUZZ fills up the room
It has the colour of my national flag
Ayesha sits
and sits

STOP! Else I’ll cry
I wish I was boiling in oil instead
Please stop
Human voice can make you
NUMB
I sense my blood going cold

I’m sure her BLOOD
too matches her dress
Molten iron in my ears
“Mr. Kasimir Malevich,
Why did you exist?”

The Brain Is Jelly

Very good presentation Unum!

Isaac Asimov: Vidha to Haider

Sookha Mazaak
Chamakti aankhein
Na rehne ka dar
Khush karne ki chaah
Pareshan Hindustani
Pakistan main garmahat
Bhaari palkein
Duur bhaagta HAIDER ALI JAN

Lahori Ladke

Lahori Ladkiyan

Cafeteria Culture

Clear hollow spheres climb up success
And what becomes of them?
The cold green veil makes its person look green too.
The specks of red have become one in this sticky paste which has spurted like blood
10 sets of 4
One green slab in the center
One of them holds the clear hollow spheres and also 1 empty green veil
Green blinds
Colour of abundance
Present here in abundance
Abundance also in the rotten smell of the fresh eggs
2 sets of 3 wings give each other company with 1 set of 4
The long wire makes a trap
It waits eagerly at the door step
Gharrrgharrranggghrrrram becomes one with the equally annoying place
The place is still except the figure in the dress of the west
4 drab virgin buttons look eagerly at the shining whores
The tiny transparent balls play under the green veil which hides nothing
One of them starts to slip from the tip of the transporter
Slow. Picks up speed as others join in
The vertebral gets disturbed and the olfactory devices get connected to the lips
The ends of the lips point towards the equator
Tut tut tut chuk chuk
Chhsh chhsh Chhsh chhsh Chhsh chhsh
Sound of the greasy biryani
The tiny, white, wriggly, curly being falls out of the sound and struggles to be alive
While the light comes from various unreachable sources, some warm green looks nosily at me and the holed gray
Tiny screeches of being molested
The hand and the tiny screeches in harmony
The holder is displaced and the second set of three asked to go to sleep
The person in the veil dies slowly
The red blood still sits there shamelessly
Green is home
Spit. Spill. Sit. Spread the smell around.
The incandescent form reflects in the cracked glass, the veil of glass that covers/uncovers the territory of the green.
Comfort
Amidst the artificial smell of the biryani there is a transcend to a hospital room
The white lump warms the green under it
The rest of the green remains unused
The black clot plastered on its forehead
Bindi from India
The pattern on its dusty black leg moves and falls still.

Teen Bachchey Lahore Ke

Diwali ki Shubhkamnayen!

Jagmagaata hua din, jhilmilati hui shaam
Kuchh puraane diye
Packet waala tel

Safed mombattiyan
Paak
November ki thand main lau ki garmi

Kheer poori ki daawat
Kheer: safed
Ghar ki yaad
Sheher Lahore

Rangi hui skirt
Safed kurti
Sajne ka intezaar

Nariyal ke laddoo
Meethe aur narm
Bhurbhuri sookhi khol
Safed

Naye yantro par milte sandesh
Rati-ratayin shubhkaamnayen
RangHeen
Safed

Garmi, raunak, rang, khushi
Sab kuchh sametne ki chaah
Kolahal ke beech sannata
Safed.

Sakuntala

Lemonade expanse
Slim, modern. Fresh!!
Hands quivering under the weight of the tangy wrap
Fingers press the buttons that are the color of the sky
White not blue
Rococo curls rest and listen to the mesmerizing voice of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
The tummy rests too, after being subject to the endless jokes about it holding a baby.
A white flower peeps from behind her shoulder.
A similar one rests on the other bed with its face away, referring to the unexciting company
Jugalbandi of the feet
Strange! Looks dead to the world!
YES YES YES. No disturbance
Figure performs a Baroque on the pink bed
Marylyn’s eye winks from the left breast
Lips are potted in perfection, ready to be glossed
Few words of consent take a trip
Neoclassic folds
Olympia
White folds of the Greek sculptures.
The candle, the doll, the bottle, the fan, the leaves; in tough competition
Kingdom of The Sleeping Beauty
The thumb rests in the middle of the index finger.
All fingers stare and glance away
Gaze conscious
The hands shape a V ready to spell some name
Stringy innumerable lines of the forehead invite attention
Cavity in the sour bed sheet is seen
The cavity leads to the corner of the bed. The wall is white with one little dent
Butool’s masterpiece has left 10 marks of it’s descend
Wait to fetch sympathy and the memories
Tête-à-tête of the pink laced white and the dark, handsome shadow of the vast green minus blue
Love is happening
Perky, dizzy, thoughtless, idle
Love nevertheless, with unkempt eyebrows and dark elbows
Slumber of the tiny mole beneath the gloom of the frail lashes
Deceit with the lemonade bed sheet
Affair with the ebony under it

All of a Sudden

Kal ka din aur dino jaisa hi tha. Humne The Last Emperor aur Farewell My Concubine dekhi. Julia hume Hsin Kuang lunch ke liye le gayi theen. As usual people ordered for manchurian and American chopsuey. Thank God Julia completely rejected the idea of American Chopsuey in a Chinese restaurant. Anyways we ordered for some shrimps with mushrooms and vegetables(my choice and I ended up eating it the most). Rest of the food was as per what everybody else wanted. Some really Gory vermilion sauce which was thick with the kilos of cornflour in it. Well I cleverly ate what I ordered for.
I had a late evening and was hoping for my plans to go buy a dress for Diwali do not get ruined again. As I was getting own from the rickshaw, guard chacha told the driver chacha that emergency has been declared. I was scared and confused and lost apart from being upset about being unaware of what was happening around me. what does that mean. what will happen in an emergency. I saw Suraiya sitting the in the warden's room. That meant that there was something serious happening.
In a few minutes I got ready to go to the market and as I stepped out of the room Noor forbidded me to step out of the hostel, though she was getting ready to go to a party. I wondered why. I was relly scared by now. suddenly some girl announced that the news channels have been cut and the internet and phone lines will be soon cut too. I had by this time somehow managed to convinve Azra to come with me to the market. I tried to show that I was not scared. I sent a mail to Ali, Ma and Papa informing that I was safe and sound.
We stepped out, me scared but not showing and Azra scared but comforting me that nothing will happen.
We walked till the market and what do we see? There was no difference. I was hoping to see the fear on people's faces but everybody appeared as if nothing had happened. In a minute I also forgot that there was something like this that happened. After succeeding in what I had come here for and making note of the palcement of shops, we hurried back to the hotel. We didn't want to miss dinner.
Th warden was serious and told us not to step out just like that. The lost fear was suddenly found. I called up papa and pap toild me to do what salima hasmi would ask us to do. He also asked me to keep my baggage ready, just in case they asked us to leave the country.
I was a reality blow. Could that really happen? I even dreamt later that night that I had been sent back to Bangelore. Luckily for me it was only a dream.

I was still in Lahore and I still am.
Allah ka shukr hai!

By my self on M M AALAM Road

I had to buy some handmade papers for my illustrations on Friday. I deally my place of visit for this world have been Urdu Bazar. That is quite far fron my college and I couldn't convince anybody to come with me. So I went for an easier option. I went to M M Aalam road. M M Aalam road is an extremely expensive shopping area. I went to the shop as directed be one of the Teacher's assistant at BNU. None of the Guards t the plaza knew where the shop was.
After going around the plaza for 20 minutes I was lucky enough to find someone who knew the paper shop.
The papers were expensive but I had to buy them. After being content with my shopping and happy to have found a good deal I left the Plaza and started walikng towards the Main Market.
Now the funny part was that I was wearing jeans and a Full sleeves knit top which stopped just above where my jeans started. I also had a Shawl around myself lest I offend someone. I tried all types of drapes in Order to make my bottom less visible. As in wrap it around so that it covers my behind like a kurta. I was unsuccessful and i gave up. I just walked ignoring gawking men. It was no different from walking in India.
I walked all the way to a book shop called Readings. I musty have walked atleast 3 kilometers and I felt very good about saving the money and looking at shops, people and them looking at me.
I made mental notes of the shops I would want to visit again and the restaurants I want to come to.

ID MUBARAK

Id Mubarak!

Aaj Id hai.
Saari raat sabhi dukaane aur restaurants khule rahenge.
Humlog aaj Sajana aur Raju ke ghar gaye the. Sajana aur Raju Nepal se hain. Dono abhi teacher's assistant hain. Yahan main market karke ilaaka hai, wahin dono ne ghar liya hai. Bahut hi pyaara sa ghar hai. 1'st floor par hai. Unhone bataaya ki unke makan-malik bahut hi achhe log hain.
Jaalidar grill se unki balcony ghiri hui hai. Badi si balcony hai, teen kamre, ek kitchen aur toilet baathroom. Do kamro main, jo ki living room aur bedroom hai, wall to wall carpet hai. Kitchen main pipeline se gas supply hai. Sabhi S.A.A.R.C. students wahan aaye the.
Aaj pehli baar achcha home-made khaana tha. Sajana ne hi subkuchh banaaya tha. Main keh rahi thi ki unke liye kuchh le chalte hain, lekin sabhi keh rahe the ki wahan pahunch kar dekhenge ki kya banaana hai, phir market jaayenge. Aisa kabhi hota hai? Stupid!

Raju humen lene aaya tha. Sabhi hamen hi dekh rahe the, kyonki bas ek ladka aur 8 ladkiyaan jinme se ek bhi Pakistani nahin lagti. Khair uske ghar tak ka raasta, mujhe bahut achha lagaa. Bilkul chhote shehron jaisa. Chhoti -chhoti dukaane, Khoob chahal pahal, aur Id ki raat thi to roshni ka bhi khoob intezaam tha. bahut saari auraten aur bachche, jagah -jagah choodiyaan, aur kapde khareed rahe the. Roshni ki wajah se yahaan ki khoobsoorat auratein aur bhi khoobsoorat lag rahin thi.

Sajana aur Raju ke ghar, humne, pake huye chawal(hostel main hamesha adhkachcha chaawal milta hai) dal, methi ki chatni, dry palak ki chutney, kerav ki sabzi, bangladeshi machhli aur salad khaaya. Maine chaar baar apni plate bhari thi. unke paas bilkul chhota sa rice cooker hai, isliye unhe chaar baar chaawal banaana pada tha, humsab ke liye. Uske baad humne mithayi khaayi.

Humssab kuchh der yunhi baithe rahe. Unke ghar ki taareef kar rahe the. Nepali sangeet baj raha tha, shayad Nepali film music. Jo bhi tha bahut achha tha. Chimi, Zuki, Pratima aur Sonam pehle naach rahe the, Nepali style main, phir hum sab bhi unke saath nachne lage. Bahut mazaa aaya. Sonam, Bhutan se hai, aur woh mujhe Govinda ke steps kar ke dikha raha tha. Bhutan, aur Nepal ke students ko Buddhist chants bhi bahut achhe lagte hain. Humne chai pi, aur phir humlog ghar ke kiye nikal pade.

Hum auto ke liye kaafi chale . Raaste bhar tarah tarh ki dukaane, roshni, log, itna badhiyaan lag raha tha. hawaa main kabab aur mithai ki milijuli khushboo thi. Auto waale bahut zyaada charge kar rahe the. Lahore main aaj ki raat sabhi bahar hote hain, raat bhar ghoomte hain, jagah-jagah khaate hain, shopping karte hain aur phir subah subah ghar jaa kar so jaate hain. Mera bhi man tha ki hum-sab poori raat nahi to kam se kam 2 ghante ghoomen, lekin aur kisi ka man nahin tha. Main jitna dekh paa rahi thi wahi yaad rakhne ke koshish kar rahi thi.

Pehli baar aaj itne bhikhaari dikhayi diye. Generally husband-wife the, jisme husband hamesha andha tha, aur wife behad sundar. Aise kum se kum main 9 bhikhaari dekhe.

Best-buy jo ki hamaara nearest utility store hai, bharaa hua tha. Aate samay hum wahan bhi gaye kyonki kal-parson woh band rahega. Maine two hairpins khareede, Id ki khushi main, aur mehndi.

Bahar kuchh chhote ladke chinese khilone bechte hain. Hamaari unse baat-cheet hoti hai. Woh subah school jaate hain, aur shaam koi gubbare aur khilone bechte hain. Saku ne unhe Idi di aur maine hair beads ka packet double daam main khareeda. Hume woh ladke baaji bulaate hain. Baaji mane badi behan.

Maine wapas aakar room theek kiya, nayi chaadar bichhayi. Saku ka bhi bistar theek kar diya. Bathroom main naye phool rakhe. Kambal bhi nikaal liya. Azra ne Saku, Chimi, Zuki aur mujhe mehndi lagaayi. Maine Azra ko mehndi lagayi. Phir Chimi aur Zuki ko bhi lagaayi. Azra kal bataa rhi thi ki jb woh chhoti this tab Id ke din koi kaam nahin karti thi. bas naye kapde pehan kar, ice-cream khaati thi aur gaane sunti thi. Koi use kaam deta tha to kehti thi ki ki uski choodiyan kharaab ho jaayengi. Uski behan ne Islamabad se uske liye Junaid-Jamshed ke material se suit banaakar bheja tha. Usne yeh bhi bataaya ki Id ke din khoob meethi-meethi neened aati hai, aur bahut bhookh lagti hai. Lekin Id ka itn romanch hota hai ki khaane ka man nahin karta.

Kal Suraiya aur Azra hamaare liye naashta banaane waale hain, aur humlog khaana. Kal ladkon ko bhi nyota hai. Dekhen kya banta hain. Kal main bhi naye kapde pehnoongi.

Id Mubarak

Prayer Room

Olper’s milk pack pajamas talk about how babies are born
Matching slippers enter the room with eh! Strange!? Boys?
Matching slippers leave the room
Oho!!! Re-entry
Eh! Boy? Again?
4 pairs of matching footwear lie around AttentivE
2 rest lazily under the feet
Hard juicy orange balls light up her wrists
How do you have sex??? The question floats around
Suddenly reminded of the class
Envelopes are de-creased
Red rides up the pajama’s neck
Bulbs have left their sockets
12 in all
4 on each side
2 on the top
1 shared by all three sides
Eyes of the three men pass after permission, with the men.
2 more
Pink clip sits like a bud to the left of the face, ready to be nipped
Hairy legs peep out of the envelope
Studded thongs on the feet hide some hair
Sparsely dyed orange nails match the lower envelope
Limo juice dupattas
Open door is shut by the guards
Prayer room is too tempting
Give in after Id
Tall lady with matching slippers passes the room
Study conversations happen all around
Glittering thongs crown the white skin
The green bag matches nothing. It is not its day
Wonder why it exists.
Find it a partner! So what if it is Ramzan?
The black hair stays unmoved
The smile touches the telephone
2 pairs lie ignored
Olper’s milk: Rs. 13 for 250 ml